26.4 Looking back ...

26.4 looking back

2.45am laying on my bed, doesn't feel right.
Everytime I'm in this room, I just feel so lazy and easy to get mad. Just now I find some pictures of me and her when she came to Sing before I went back to VN for lunar new year. I looked very carefully  how she smiled so naturally, I just wish if I didn't happen to stay in this room at that time ... I just wish I didn't get mad ... I just wish I should have gone back with her ... I just wish if I had another chance ... I lay on my bed and my heart just hurts so much ... I really miss our time ...

I just cannot accept it ... Everytime I think of it, I just wanna cry ... She's now so far away ... I wish she's happy and healthy ... I'm so worried about her ... I couldn't contact her now ... I don't know what happens ...

Even though I know it's wrong but I wish I can meet her one more time ...

The letter I wrote her, she still hasn't read it ... Maybe she will never read it ...

Her mom called me, she seems to be very upset, I try to ease her, but I'm worried that I hurt her more as I'm not very good at talking ... I always be very respect to her parents, especially her mom, I feel she's a very good mother who always think for her daughter over herself ... She always wish us to be married ... and this is really a shock to her ... I told her not to worry much, try to take care of herself and my friend ... I also say what I feel so sorry ... Then I just want to say that if she feels down just call me ... As I also wanna know my friend's situation ... I'm so worried about her ... I just wish if things didn't turn out like this ... If her husband would've been more gentle to her ... If I could've have told what I thought ...

I just feel so lonely ... Cannot sleep ... I try to write my thought here with the hope that it can make me feel a bit better but it doesn't ...

Everytime I come back to VN for relaxing I just feel even more tired and stressful. I really don't want to go back here again.

I just feel nothing, empty ...

...

Today is my dad's birthday, I didn't buy him anything, I can only wish him always be healthy, happy and stay with me for long long time ... I love you daddy.